Spam comments, or Kindly Don’t Seize My Feed

DSC_7775  typekeyLike many Bloggers, my site regularly gets spam comments. Sadly, I get more spam comments than actual humans commenting. I know this because although WordPress has an excellent spam-catching system, I’ve elected to read the spam comments received before the system trashes them, on the just in case theory….just in case there’s a real comment nestled in the long line of “Lista de email” rubbish the spam mostly comes from.

However, as I’ve been reading the spam rubbish, I’ve found some of them to be absurdly hilarious. My theory is that they are written by drunk monkeys on typewriters; monkeys who not only don’t speak or write English very well, but who also occasionally thump the keys with their fists, after one too many Gin and Tonics, with the resulting mess of letters being posted to my site and no doubt thousands of others.

Following are a few gems (in italics) sent to me, and my comments back to the spammers. (Don’t worry, I didn’t click on anything the spammers sent; I’m only replying here, without any of the nasty links they send).

Dear Spammer – your monkey typing this one clearly got the pages of his English phrasebook mixed up:

I liked as much as you’ll receive carried out proper here. The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get got an impatience over that you would like be handing over the following. sick no doubt come further earlier once more as exactly the same nearly a lot regularly inside case you protect this increase.

Dear Spammer –  I do NOT give you permission to seize my feed, or to seize anything else, for that matter:

knowledgeable in this subject. Well with your permission allow me to seize your feed to stay up to date with approaching post. Thank you a million and please continue the rewarding work.

Dear Spammer – I’m not a man, thanks all the same, although am delighted to hear that I’m simply extremely wonderful:

Great items from you, man. I’ve bear in mind your stuff prior to and you’re simply extremely wonderful. I actually like what you have acquired here, really like what you’re saying and the best way in which you say it. You are making it enjoyable and you still take care of to stay it sensible. I can’t wait to learn much more from you. This is actually a tremendous website.

Dear Spammer – so sorry to hear that my site is incomprehensible. Note to self – must try harder so the poor old spammers can read it.

nice information, many thanks to the author. it is incomprehensible to me now, but in general, the usefulness and significance is overwhelming. thanks again and good luck!

Dear Spammer – thank you for the information about trucks. My site has nothing to do with trucks, I don’t drive a truck, I don’t know anyone who does, however your comments about electrocution and the drive train would no doubt be useful to someone in the transport industry. Or not.

Keep in mind that trucks are extremely helpful mechanical pieces of equipment, but when you consider the nearby resources, you will have government recognized certification that indicates your skill level to employers. Is around $90,000 while refurbished is available for purchase through the internet. These trucks become more than the bulk support they give your materials, they become great assets that assure your business’ supply. The drive train and the workers’ risks for electrocution in restoring these damages is very important for safety, especially for those operators working near power lines.

Dear Spammer – so sorry you thought your life was over, and glad my site appears to have  saved your life. However I will be less glad if you don’t stop sending this idiotic spam.

I must express my appreciation to this writer just for bailing me out of this type of difficulty. Just after searching through the internet and meeting thoughts which were not helpful, I believed my life was over. Being alive without the presence of strategies to the issues you’ve sorted out by way of your entire post is a serious case, and ones which could have negatively damaged my entire career if I hadn’t come across your blog post. Your good mastery and kindness in playing with every part was vital. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t discovered such a solution like this. It’s possible to at this point relish my future. Thanks a lot so much for your impressive and sensible help. I will not hesitate to suggest the blog to any individual who needs to have guide about this situation.

Dear Spammer – while I’m thrilled that you enjoy my breathtaking principles, I really think that you and your colleagues in your office should develop some principles of your own, breathtaking or otherwise, and get back to work and stop spamming my site three times a week:

Thank you so much for giving everyone an extraordinarily brilliant possiblity to check tips from here. It is always very pleasurable and packed with a lot of fun for me and my office peers to search your web site really 3 times in one week to see the latest stuff you will have. Of course, I’m also at all times happy with all the breathtaking principles you give. Certain 2 areas in this posting are without a doubt the most effective I’ve ever had.

Dear Spammer – what do you mean you’ve “used my entire webpages”?? Write your own damn content, you lazy bastard – I’m not at all surprised you’ve only got two friends:

I actually wanted to develop a quick message to say thanks to you for those magnificent solutions you are posting at this site. My extended internet lookup has finally been compensated with awesome insight to share with my two friends. I ‘d believe that many of us site visitors are really endowed to dwell in a very good community with very many wonderful individuals with very helpful opinions. I feel quite blessed to have used your entire web pages and look forward to so many more amazing times reading here. Thank you once more for all the details.

Dear Spammer – unfortunately I cannot say the same thing about your rubbish articles.

some of your articles are so well written that looks like poetry. congratulations

Dear Spammer – harmonise with this conclusion…SOD OFF!

the post is actually the freshest on this laudable subject. i harmonize with your conclusions and will look forward to see your approaching updates

If you’re a human, feel free to leave a comment. If you’re a monkey on a typewriter, please don’t.


4 thoughts on “Spam comments, or Kindly Don’t Seize My Feed

  1. I found your site while trying to look up some information about spamming on the internet. However, are you really sure that all of these posts are spam?– Spam is generally intended to get you to email someone or visit some website in the hopes of getting money from you (either directly or indirectly), e.g. my blog gets spam for stuff like “payday loans”, “penis enlargement”, “make $1000 per day from home”, etc. Moreoever, there are a lot of people on the internet who know English well enough to understand it, although their compositional skills are… sub-optimal. Are you sure this post isn’t actually insulting a large amount of readers of yours who don’t know English well?

    • Good question, however all the posts I quoted from also had nasty links and went on with more text about how I could “increase the traffic to my site” etc. They nearly all came from Lista de email – a sure indicator of spam at work. I do like the idea that I have a large amount of readers :), and I certainly wouldn’t want to insult them!

      • Oh, I see. Perhaps they even try to add the “nice, normal-sounding stuff” to the beginning in a (failed) attempt to try to slip past the spam filters?

      • I guess so, but when you get an email with “I like as much as you get got good” in it, you have to wonder about those spam filters!

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